Everyone knows, has heard of, seen, used or ‘felt’ Crisco at some point in his fetish life. This product, is both a (fisting) staple as it might be controversial. Why controversial? And how did it come to be the staple it is nowadays? For whom or what was it made originally and what can one use it for? Time for a little q & a to get to know this product a bit better.
What is Crisco?
Crisco is a vegetable ‘shortening’. Shortening is another word for (concentrated) margarine.
‘Regular’ use requires it to be diluted with a couple of tablespoons of water to reach margarine-like consistency and properties. It is very fatty and therefore suitable for a lot or purposes that involves greasing something up for optimal result. From here your imagination could do the rest but please do continue reading
How did Crisco ‘rise to fame’ ?
Well, as most discoveries in life, it has been a matter of a ‘happy accident’. Already from the time Crisco came to be, early 1910s, someone must have run out of the regular lubricant they used, had a go at it with this seemingly multi-purpose product, found it (more than?) adequate, and the ‘gospel’ got spread throughout the decades; by the 1970s, Crisco cans had become a huge symbol for gay sex.
It is cheap as chips compared to other,
more ‘regular’ lubricants, so it is a typical case of ‘more for less’, and who doesn’t love a good bargain? The fact that it is a very long-lasting lubricant and it is easy to scoop up a lot in one go, renders it a very suitable product for anything involving heavy hand work. All-in-all, it seems like the perfect product for fisting. And then to think it’s originally produced by a Mormon company…not the most gay-friendly, and therefore no surprise that this company won’t supply Mister B…directly.
So what can we do with Crisco in the kitchen?
As it has been saying on its packaging for the longest of time: ‘it is perfect for a good pie crust’, but it’s also very suitable to create all sorts of cookies and biscuits with that nice brittle, shortbread-like consistency and crunch.
Please do try out the recipes posted below. They are just sinfully delicious, and relatively easy to make.
Furthermore, and unlike butter & dairy products, you can keep Crisco for quite some time. However: the moment you start using your hands to serve other orifices than your mouth, hygiene is at stake and the product won’t last by far as long!
Is Crisco good for you?
Now we get to the perhaps most controversial part about Crisco: no, it’s not that good for you. Why? More so than the fact it has no problem destroying latex condom and gloves: it ‘sticks’, in the broadest sense of the word. Even though it contains less than 1 gram trans-fat per can, our body has a lot of difficulties breaking it down, let alone when you apply it deep into your guts from the rear end, with no saliva, stomach acids or overall digestive tract to take care of it, like with all other things you put in your mouth and swallow. Furthermore it doesn’t really contain valuable nutrients for your body that could compensate for this ‘disadvantage’. However, it goes without saying that the possible damage it does depends on what else you put in your body, ergo: your overall physical health and dietary habits. Since this section is about food, and we secretly all like to indulge from time to time into something that just feels, looks, and tastes good (in preparations that is), without having to worry, you’ll find some culinary info below.
And finally: is Crisco vegan?
Relevant question? Definitely for those who live a vegan lifestyle simply because they want to, but of course also for those who just want to follow or engage in the hype and discussions that are going on around veganism at the moment. The answer is: yaaaas! Crisco is like vegan lard: more ‘stable’ for most baking endeavors than coconut oil – one of the most common vegan substitutes for butter and dairy – and therefore a better guarantee for success when substituting, or even as a substitute fòr butter or lard itself. (Mind you: pan heating is limited and Crisco will catch fire when overheated…#justsaying)
However, if you wonder about Crisco being ‘vegan’ as in: putting less pressure on Mommy Earth Dearest by not harming any animals? Meh: it does mainly contain Soybean Oil and Palm Oil, so if you’re adamant about saving the rain forest, you might want to reconsider. This then also goes for the ‘non-food’ section, in other words: when you (want to) put it up your precious asshole. After all, there are plenty of alternatives for that: Elbow Grease, Slam Dunk, Boy Butter & Mister B CREAM, but also the Mister B FIST range, a good thick jelly which works fab for fisting, and is easy to get out of clothes, sheets…and orifices. For baking however, please do stick to Crisco, as it will stick to you 😉
ALMOST MORE SO THAN ACTUAL BUTTER, CRISCO GIVES YOU THE MOST PERFECT, STABLE AND MANAGEABLE BUTTER CREAM. IRONICALLY PERFECT FOR YOUR HYSTERICAL CAKE DECORATIONS! A RECIPE FOR THIS ONE YOU CAN ALSO FIND ON OUR FACEBOOK PAGE.
COOKING WITH CRISCO.
Crisco Butter Cream
For all your (hysterical) cake decorations!
110 grams butter, softened
100 grams Crisco
1 tablespoon (= 15 grams) water
250 grams icing (also called: powdered or confectioners) sugar
Optional: few drops of food coloring of your choice
Freestanding mixer with paddle attachment or a hand mixer (or a hand whisk if you’re a masochist show-off) & bowl
For decorative purposes: a piping bag with nozzle of your choice
Just in case: a sieve to remove any lumps in the sugar
In the bowl, first mix the Crisco and water to get a smooth consistency.
Add the butter and mix it on low to medium speed until smooth & even. Gradually mix in the sugar at low speed (to prevent a ‘dust’ cloud) Stir in any food coloring until well combined. Transfer to piping bag, and do your thang.
Tips & Tricks
1. If you feel that the consistency is too thick,
you can loosen the mixture a bit, by adding a few drops of water or milk.
However, having your butter nicely softened
and your sugar without lumps should be doing the trick already…mise-en-place, baby!
2.Mary Berry’s top tip to soften butter fast:
cut the butter, straight from the fridge, into large cubes.
Place the butter cubes into a large bowl of lukewarm water (about the temperature of a baby’s bath)
and leave it for 10 minutes. Drain the water off the butter and it’s ready to crrream J
3.This cream keeps 1-2 days in the fridge
bring to room temperature before use
or 2-3 months in the freezer
thaw overnight in fridge, then bring to room temperature before use.
COOKING WITH CRISCO.
POPPY PARMESAN COOKIES
PERFECT & EASY SNACK TO MAKE FOR A PARTY,
ON A QUIET MOMENT WITH A GLASS OF WINE, OR JUST LIKE THAT.
GORGEOUS, BOTH WITH OR WITHOUT TOPPING!
Ingredients (yields 30-35 cookies)
210 grams plain flour, plus plenty extra for dusting
½ teaspoon baking powder
¾ teaspoon (smoked) paprika
A (good) pinch of cayenne pepper or chilli powder
100 grams Crisco, plus tablespoon (= 15 grams) water
50 grams butter, softened
165 grams Parmesan cheese, freshly grated
80 grams poppy seeds
1 egg, beaten
Salt & black pepper
Oven, plus baking trays
Freestanding mixer with paddle attachment, or spatula and bowl
Sift the flour, baking powder, paprika and cayenne into a bowl and add the salt and pepper.
The Crisco with the water to a smooth consistency, then add the softened butter.
Mix the butter & Crisco mixture with the Parmesan until they are well blended.
You can do this either by hand, using a spatula, or in a freestanding mixer fitted with the paddle attachment.
Add the dry ingredients and continue mixing until a soft dough is formed.
Put the dough on a well-floured work surface and divide it in half.
Use plenty of flour, both on your hands and on the work surface,
to roll each piece into a long log, 3–4 cm in diameter.
Wrap each log in cling film and place in the fridge for about 30 minutes to firm up.
Scatter the poppy seeds over a flat plate or tray.
Brush the logs with the beaten egg and then roll them in the poppy seeds until covered.
Refrigerate again for 1 hour (at this stage you can also wrap the logs and freeze them).
Preheat the oven to 190°C/170°C fan/Gas Mark 5.
Line a baking sheet with baking parchment.
Cut the logs into slices 5–8 mm thick and arrange them on the tray, spaced 3 cm apart.
Bake for 12-15 minutes. The biscuits should be dark golden and smell amazing!
Leave to cool completely before serving, or storing in a tightly sealed container.
TIPS & TRICKS
On the baking powder in this recipe: it’s not a batter that requires real rising,
so if you should only have baking soda at home and no time left to hit the store,
you could try it with that.
However, I tend to stick to the ‘golden’ rule of:
so if you have both, just use the damn powder.
(Another) tip for quick softening of your butter,
especially when it’s such a small quantity:
cut the 50 grams, straight from the fridge, in 2 or 4 pieces and place it on a saucer.
Take a (heat proof) glass large enough to cover the butter, and fill it with really hot water.
After a couple of minutes, empty the glass, shake off excess drops and place directly
(upside down of course) over the butter.
Wait for about 15 minutes, or until the butter appears to really melt.
Your butter can’t get too soft of course…
all a matter of keeping with the program and not leave the kitchen,
as it also depends on your butter and glass.
Smoked paprika: increasingly popular, and for good reason!
Also in this recipe it just gives that extra ‘dimension’ in smell & taste.
Having said that: you will still (be tempted to) devour these cookies
as soon as they’re done when using normal paprika.
As sinfully delicious these are on their own,
you could opt to top them with a bit of chunky pesto or tapenade of some kind
to make a kind of (fancy?) canapé.
Should you do so, do make the slices a bit thicker and bake them a bit longer,
so they ‘hold’ better.
You could opt to leave out the Crisco altogether,
but it just gives the perfect brittleness to these kind of ‘shortbread-y’ cookies.