Hey Bryan,

I’m new to BDSM and being a sub really speaks to me. I really want to explore this part of me, but I find it difficult to connect with an experienced dom. I don’t think an inexperienced dom can give me the guidance or safety I’m looking for. What do I do?




One of the myths of BDSM play is that a dominant is a dominant, that a submissive is a submissive, and that when you say BDSM, it means the same to you as it does to me. While BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism, those are all very broad terms. You may be into a very specific kind of bondage, or sadism. Worse yet, you may be very turned off, or even traumatized by certain forms of any of the four categories. Specifics are important in kink and BDSM play. 

For example, you don’t need rope to be in bondage. You don’t technically need any form of physical restraint to be in bondage. Is restraint less bondage something you want to do? Or is the physical sensation something you need?

When you ask for BDSM play, that’s just the start of the conversation. So, where I recommend you start is to ask yourself specifically, “What’s in my fantasy right NOW?”, as opposed to just wanting to ‘explore’. The more you understand what you want, the easier it will be to get it, as opposed to exploring something non-specific and coming away with a blah (or worse yet, bad) experience.

The second myth is that experienced doms are good doms – and conversely, that experienced subs are good subs. There is no shortage of bad, experienced players. Sorting through who’s who seems overwhelming but let me narrow this down for you:

  1. Be specific about what you want. If your fantasy is to be forced to give oral to the point of gagging and maybe vomiting, you need a dom who might enjoy vomit on their dick. Not every experienced dom wants this or can handle this kind of scene.
  • Go meet people in your kink community in general. You don’t have to play to meet kinksters. Lots of events are just social. Start with those. As with dating, while you COULD spend all your time on apps, sometimes the more efficient way to meet someone is to be introduced by friends. Because they’re your friends and know you better than just a photo on a screen, they’ll know who might work with you and who probably doesn’t match your style. One of your future friends could even be your future dom!

The third myth is that you must experience things to decide what you like in BDSM. Almost everyone who wants to get into BDSM already has an idea of what that means to them. You want to have positive experiences when you start. So instead of trying things from the buffet that you don’t even know you will like, go for the stuff you already want. As you get more comfortable, you will find other areas that connect naturally to what you already desire. And THEN you can decide if those are things you want to try – especially if they excite you when you learn about them.

The best way to have a non-optimal experience is to ask for “whatever the dom wants”, especially if it’s an experienced one. It is not only a turn off for the dom, because now they have to read your mind and no one has time for that (and they’re more likely to decline your offer), but most beginners in BDSM actually have no idea what’s REALLY on the menu when it’s a blank cheque to the dom. People can be, excuse the term, sick bastards and you have no idea how depraved that rabbit hole goes.

Stick with what you like and what you want. Ask for what you like and what you want, explicitly and specifically. And then, you can start your descent into depravity if that’s what you ultimately want.


Hey Bryan – Mister B Wings