Penis Pump: A Saga

Prologue: Split

Rarely do I get the pleasure of saying that I’m ‘pumped’ for a job and have it be so literal. A fair warning: as most of my articles tend to be in-depth introductions to a topic or actual product reviews, this specific article will wallow in the prosaic middle ground between those things.

A question of size
When our editor asked me to do this piece, the imminent question that followed was: “Do you know how wide you need the cylinder to be?” In case I already lost you: a basic set for a penis pump consists of a vacuum pump, generally operated manually, and a cylinder to attach to this pump, and which becomes airtight when tucked down over your – yeah, you’re back with me now? Good.

Back to my editor professionally sexting me. I know that the cylinders come in different sizes, that it most likely needs to obviously be larger than my erect, proud half-italian member. But other than that, I have no idea. Having worked in the Mister B shop for a while, I know by fact that our beloved sales assistant, Johan (whom you would have met if you have had even a remote connection to the store in the last 15 years), knows his shit about basically any gadget or gizmo in our selection. I decide to go to him for advice.

“I’ve seen your dick, that one would be too small for you”, Johan says while I am holding the medium-sized cylinder in my hand, gently squeezing it like I would an eggplant for ripeness in a grocery store, much to the same conclusion: it tells me nothing. As he rummages around for other sizes, I wonder what other kinds of work environments would have casual comments like this happen without resulting in a new international movement.

“This one…yeah, I think this one is better,” he almost boasts on my behalf, handing me a larger one from the top shelf, and I’m immidiately convinced that Johan secretly is the gay ‘Ollivander’ of kink. He explains to me that the best fit of a cylinder is the one that leaves about a centimeter of air around your dick when fully hard, as it obviously needs space to expand. I take note of the size and immediately inform my editor, so I could get my hands on (and dick ín) the Mister B Pump Box with my perfect fit cylinder.


Fast forward some days; I receive the package and am quite eager to test it out, so naturally I unbox everything, carefully studying the pump with the pressure gauge and the cylinder. Considering that the last time I did anything remotely similar was when I discovered the interesting alternative function of a vacuum cleaner in my early teens, it’s safe to say that I’m in for a new experience. (Sidenote: I’m convinced this is exactly how this device must have come into existence. Perversion does pay off).

The cylinder, however, is not the size I ordered. it’s just one measure smaller in difference, so I go on with it, pretty sure that it won’t matter. I attach the pump to it, use some water based lube on my semi, place it carefully on its respective post as a prince would a glass slipper, and I start getting hard.

Slowly, I squeeze the pump a few times, and the circumference of my dick is pressing hard against the sides as the laws of physics instead pulls the blood circulation upwards towards the glans.

This is not my ‘Cinderella’ moment at all, this is a roasted blueberry muffin top, and to be honest, it looked angry. I press the release valve, and the pressure in the cylinder turns back to normal together with my insulted meat muffin, and I wish it was a pun when I tell you that I got a massive headache.

Take two

Another fast forward and a much larger cylinder and dito ego later; I’m ready for the second attempt. This time, with the extra space around the dick (just as Johan advised) the experience was completely different. The slow progression of the vacuum and my dick growing beyond its normal size to an almost monstrous thickness is an arousing sight in its own right. After a few pumps and deflations, I’m missing some sort of variation. From my time in the store I seem to remember a separately sold cylinder dubbed “The Rosebud Maker”, and you can take a guess what I needed to try next: I wanted to do “The Kylie Jenner Challenge” on my ass.

If you don’t know the Kylie Jenner challenge, it’s basically teens sucking on shot glasses to create a vacuum around their lips to make them grow. Often with severe (and hilarious) results.

Much to my surprise, it actually did do something for me on a low pumped setting, and I ended up having to jerk off to that. Quite an unexpected turn of events, but hey – it got the job done.

Mister B Pump Box

Epilogue: Spit roasted (ish)

I personally find vacuum play interesting if I expand the potential beyond pumping the penis alone. I’m sure this would be an excellent tease and add-on when playing with others, perhaps while being restrained.

As I experimented further, I found a magical combination that I would recommend anyone to give a go: being in a sort of ‘spit roast’ between an electro butt plug electrocuting my prostate while I pump-tease my dick until I’m forced to cum. How’s that for middle ground?



Pumping, in our scene, is a term that is commonly understood as penis-pumping. For this, a set of equipment is required: an airtight cylinder connected to a pump via a plastic tube. You insert your dick in the cylinder, then slowly press and release the handle of the pump. This creates a vacuum around your dick which will temporarily expand it. After removing the pressure, your penis will slowly return to its normal size. You can also get cylinders for your nipples, balls – and even my personal favorite: ‘The Rosebud Maker’.


For me personally, the visual stimulation of seeing my dick grow is incredibly arousing. Suction in the ass is like the most intense rim job I’ve ever gotten. The overall experience made me very keen on trying to tease a willing partner someday as well. If you’re curious about it without knowing exactly why, try it out and discover a potentially new side of yourself!


As a beginner, limit yourself to a maximum of 2 – 3 pumping sessions a week, and no longer than 15 minutes per session. You can then slowly increase the number of sessions.

Even for advanced users who enjoy prolonged use, it’s recommended to take plenty of breaks to ensure the body part to return to a normal blood flow.

Be patient! Pumping too often or for too long without a break, can cause temporary injuries like blisters, skin discoloration and numbness. Listen to your body’s signals, pumping should feel good. If it doesn’t – something might be wrong.

Check out the entire Pumping range at

Mister B Pump box set
I personally find vacuum play interesting if I expand the potential beyond pumping the penis alone. I’m sure this would be an excellent tease and add-on when playing with others, perhaps while being restrained.
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Mister B Pump box set