Recently I’ve had the pleasure of attending a Drugs Free party of some close friends of mine in London. They’ve created a safe space where we can feel sexy and free to be ourselves and explore our sexuality, with Sobriety. Speaking from personal experience, I can say going to this party was as enlightening as it was fun, and I believed their story needed to be shared with our community. Join me as we hear from the hosts of Fuckingham, London’s Hottest Sober Party.
Tell me about yourself and your living situation, I understand you are 3 flatmates in a sex-positive atmosphere. How’s the dynamic at home?
The dynamic in our house is a lot like the gay fantasy college frat pad. It won’t be uncommon to have impromptu gangbangs or sex during normal activities like cooking or playing video games. This lifestyle came about as a somewhat unplanned consequence of being into each other, frequently naked and usually horny. That turned into sex happening openly in the house with each other and others. We all work and have friends (without benefits) over, and keep that separate from our sex lives. But people who know what sometimes goes on here call it Fuckingham Palace. While there’s a similarity of sorts to Brandts boys and US frat pads, there’s something distinctly British and highbrow about the vibe and culture in our house – this is why we’ve called our place “FuckinghamPalace” and host our infamous FuckinghamPalace parties.
Now tell me about your Fuckingham Palace party, what it stands for and what does it want to accomplish? How do you feel about the importance of a sober event in today’s culture of chemsex?
Fuckingham is a quarterly drug-free sex party at our house in central London. It’s been going on for 2 years and has seen over 120 people. Fuckingham is a space for people to enjoy free physical connection and group sex. We create an environment of trust, desirability, safety and openness, and enjoy the situations that grow naturally in that space. The boundaries and expectations of normal life are left at the door, so the guests can pursue an experience they would usually consider to be unique to their own desire, and find people willing to share that experience with them free of judgment. By making a chem-free sex party, we are normalising an event that has unfortunately become less common in recent years. For one, people who typically only play with drugs get an opportunity to become comfortable exploring their fantasies through more intimate connections with people. On the other hand, people who don’t take drugs and are nervous about peer pressure to do so get security that they won’t be made to feel out of place
What does it take for your guests to feel safe and confident enough to open up?
As hosts, we are not all equally comfortable in these environments. One of us feels right at home in a group of naked guys, another would typically turn to Chems to calm his nerves. He was actually way more nervous as a host than as a guest but could show empathy and relatability, particularly to those who were first-timers at an event like this. The message we try to present is that, yes some people take substances to ease anxieties but a different way is to become okay with these feelings of nervousness, anxiety and shyness – it’s normal and human, and they do ease.
Generally, the people who are most confident about approaching people will do so, and the visibility of people being openly intimate is enough to give others confidence to do the same. Another part is through fun games like our sex jenga, which has instructions written in the blocks like “make out with every player with a shirt on” or “choose a player to blow you for 3 turns”. This provides a safe and fun environment for breaking the ice and touching barriers. That allows people to blame the game for actions they might at first have felt they weren’t allowed to do, but by seeing everyone joining in they realise that it is not only allowed but encouraged. As hosts, we do some amount of matchmaking too, encouraging people we can see are vibing well together to follow their sexual interests. A simple “Have you guys checked out the bedroom?” can be enough to get people to cross the barrier from flirting to fucking.
Perhaps on a personal note, let’s hear some stories, what has your event taught you? shown you? or one of your guests?
At one of the events, I was able to live out a cumdump fantasy that I’ve had but not felt able to go through with before because of the effort of bringing people together who I would be happy playing with. It was almost completely spontaneous: playing with a housemate and a friend on the bed, the friend cumming and turning the housemate on enough that he wanted to breed me too, then someone watching who wanted to take a turn too, and one by one about 7 people had their go on me. It was an incredible headspace and the view for the audience was apparently awesome. A different experience was one where a new couple joined the party and found that a particular experience didn’t go the way they expected. They went to a quiet area and had a chat between themselves and eventually decided to play just a little more and then go home together. They said it was a very important conversation for their relationship, and two years on, they are engaged. It’s really sweet to see a relationship form or solidify as a result of the experiences had at our party.
What advice would you give someone trying to set up their own party?
If anyone wants to make their own drug-free parties, we’d say:
Hit up some people you have already hooked up with drug-free, who have expressed an interest in groups, and bring them together. You can quickly build a steady set of reliable people who you can count on coming and supporting the vibe of chem-free sex positivity.
Keep the guest list private and don’t try to entice people with photos of who might come: the shared factor is that you, the host, think they are all hot. Embrace variety instead of tailoring your party to any specific type, because no one can be everyone’s type, and there will almost always be someone of interest to each person.
Keep the frequency of the event low at first. If it’s too often there’s less incentive to prioritise it since people know they can always come to the next one. We’ve settled for quarterly, but anywhere between 3-6m would work well.
Invite way more guests than you hope to have. There can be a lot of anxiety about going to a sex party so the dropout rate is always high and you have to account for that. For example, if we want 20, we’d invite upwards of 60.
Be a host first and a participant second – but make sure to have fun. At an event like this, some people are relying on leadership and guidance from you. Try to demonstrate what is allowed and encouraged but without just making the party all about yourself. This could be running ice breaker sex games like sex Jenga or encouraging good pairings to play with each other, then getting stuck in when you think the party is in good flow.v
Any final thoughts?
Just that we would like people to see this event and recognise how sex parties can be thrilling: it’s not just because of the artificial rush drugs can give, but because of the real human connections that can be so electric. You have the power to reach the state you want to be in, inside you.