Top 10 random things I’ve learned from being sexually proactive and living out my kinks

How would you rate your sex life on a scale from ‘meh’ to ‘mind-blowing’? Is it truly mind-blowing? Then feel free to slip into my DMs (you can find my Instagram somewhere in this magazine, thank you). Or does it lean more towards a ‘meh’? Then I suggest you keep on reading!

The following Top 10 is a list of random things I’ve learned from living out my kinks and having a proactive sex life – which is basically a nicer way of calling myself a slut. And with twenty-five years of sexual experience under my belt, I might actually have something to say that will boost your sexual confidence and can even lead to a more explosive sex life.

Let’s get into it!

Bob The Drag Queen once said, “Proximity is sexy.” It’s a quote that I use on my Scruff profile to make clear that I’d rather receive a message from that cute blondie who goes to my gym, than get Woofed by the Chris Hemsworth look-a-like that lives 1500 km away from me (and who might not even be real). Having said all of that, sometimes you really DO need to travel! When you have a special kink, for example, or when you’re looking for a very specific type. I’ve done this on occasion, and I can highly recommend it. It’s a great way to fulfil your deepest needs, and since you take yourself out of your regular context – your friend group, the clubs you like to go to, the city you live in – you’ll have more freedom to do whoever or whatever you want.

 

We’ve all been in these situations where you meet someone, go to their place, and then discover that the chemistry just isn’t there, or that you’re not enjoying the sex. When I was younger, I always felt pressured to stay and continue playing, which is a horrible feeling. How do you tell the other that you want to leave? And what do you say that sounds plausible and doesn’t hurt the other person’s feelings or ego? I don’t have a fixed answer to those questions because it always depends on the situation you’re in. But when you feel you have to leave, leave! Don’t feel forced to have sex with someone because of their expectations or because of what they might think of you. The minute you take yourself out of the equation and leave their place, you’ll feel super relieved!

 

We all have prefixed ideas about certain kinks, fetishes, and sex toys, but unless you experiment and try them out for yourself, you’ll never exactly know what they’ll trigger in you. The experience will always be different from what you imagine it will be like. I’ll give you an example. When I tried out bondage for the first time, I thought it was just about being tied up, but I found out quite soon during the session that it’s a game that challenges you, both physically and mentally. Mentally, I switched between being super Zen and mega horny. Physically, I completely lost the feeling in my arms and hands because the ropes cut off the blood circulation which felt freaky, but crazy exciting. Open yourself up to the possibilities, experiment, and your sex life will become more playful and satisfying. Plus, you’ll find out you’re waaaay more kinky than you could have ever imagined!

 

For me, sex is about connection and not about wham, bam, thank you ma’am. There are times where you should stay a bit longer after you’re done with fucking. If you feel that there’s a mutual connection, maybe you should explore it! You might gain a new lover, a good friend, or perhaps even a partner. And there are other benefits too. The last time I chose to stay I got introduced to an amazing gay movie from the 1980s called Querelle that has everything: Tom of Finland-like sailors and cops, sweaty shirtless men, a fight scene reminiscent of Westside Story, a crash course in overacting, and big brick dicks on bridges.

Hurrah for experience! It’s amazing to have sex with someone who has the experience and knows what they’re doing, which, by the way, is not related to age at all. By having a partner who’s an expert in bed, you’ll have a more satisfying sex life, and you’ll learn how to become better in bed at the same time. And you know what they say: if you want to be the best at something, you need to learn from the best. So go out, find yourself someone with a lot of experience and stamina, and get to it!

Don’t ask the question “Can I come?” three minutes after you’ve started having sex. This happened to me recently on a trip to Spain and it frustrated the hell out of me. I talked for hours on Grindr with this guy, douched, took a twenty-minute Uber ride, and climbed up way too many stairs to reach his apartment; all to be in and out of the door in less than six minutes, it might have been five. Asking this question at the beginning of your session means you’re kinda selfish or that you just don’t know how to contain yourself. Asking “Can I come?” can be a beautiful thing though, when you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work and sweat, for example, during a play session. It’s an acknowledgement of the sensational sex you’ve been having and sometimes it can even feel like a declaration of love. What can I say? I’m a romantic LOL.

The sun don’t shine at night, nevertheless ALWAYS bring a pair of sunnies when you go out partying. You never know where you’re going to end up and at what time you’ll go home. Sunglasses will help you deal with the evil brightness of the light of day, and they’ll shield you from the looks of the ‘normal’ people passing by on the street who can smell the sex that’s oozing out of your pores from a mile away.

 

Sex is usually an act between two or more people, which means everyone involved should have a good time – not just you. Being selfish in sex is not a good look. Try to understand the needs of your lover(s) and find pleasure in their pleasure. Ask what they like, and try to incorporate that into what you’re doing.

There are people who will overstep your boundaries. It happens in clubs, at parties and online. My natural reaction to this is to stay friendly at all times, try to cut them some slack, and interact with them like I would with anyone else. And surprise, surprise, it doesn’t get me anywhere! When people are predators, they don’t care how you react, and they don’t care about the fact that you’re not giving off any signals that might suggest you’re into them. They only care about their own needs, which is getting into your pants. Next time you have to deal with a situation like that, tell them they’re crossing a line and that you don’t wish to engage. They probably will react offended and might even continue their behaviour. If so, inform security when you’re at a party or in a club, or report and block them when it happens online.

Sex toys are not there to compensate for things you think you lack, like size or girth. They’re there to mix things up, experience new sensations, and to empower your fantasies. A lot of people feel shame when it comes to sex toys and they feel awkward going into a store to look at them, let alone buy them. My advice is to get over those negative emotions RIGHT NOW and start having fun. Buy what you want to buy, try what you want to try, and enjoy!

 

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